


Maybe I Am Better Off Dead

by HAtxAH



Category: 13 Reasons Why (TV)
Genre: 13reasonswhy, 13rw, M/M, Suicide Attempt, Zach has a crush on Alex, Zalex
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-06-16
Updated: 2018-09-27
Packaged: 2019-05-24 07:09:58
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 4
Words: 1,919
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14949959
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/HAtxAH/pseuds/HAtxAH
Summary: Alex is suicidalZach finds him in his bathroomChinese translation by the lovely WhiteDust:https://weibo.com/ttarticle/p/show?id=2309404264596071444051





	1. Every Time That You Loose It, Sing It For The World

It's 4 am. Alex is sitting on the floor of Zach's bathroom. He's sleeping over at Zach's because his father thought Alex should have more friends. And what's better for strengthen your friendship with someone than a sleepover. Exactly, everything is better.

Especially when you are suicidal and have a panic attack in the middle of the night.

 

So there Alex is, in his friend's bathroom holding the razorblades, he hides them inside his phone case, and cries like a baby.

He doesn't want to do that. Not again. 

The scars on his thighs aren't going away and he is scared that the ones on his arm will be even more visible but his panic attack is getting worse and he can't breathe and everything is just too much, too much, too much.

So he's tightening his grip around the cold metal and begins to draw lines on his arm. At first he's careful but when he feels nothing he pushes the metal roughly into his skin. 

He doesn't see the light turning on in Zach's room and then in the hallway.

He doesn't hear Zach knocking at the bathroom door, asking if everything is alright. 

 

All he can see is the blood everywhere. On his arm, his hands, on the floor. 

All he can hear is the voice in his head encouraging him to go even deeper. To see more of the beautiful red.

 

Then suddenly Zach is next to him. Alex can't really see him, everything's a blur. Are these tears? Why is he crying? He doesn't understand why Zach looks so shocked until he remembers that his arm looks like hell.

 

Zach's panicking. He cries while he searches for the first aid kid to patch up Alex's arm. 

He finds it and turns around to see Alex laying on the floor. He passed out.

 

Now Zach panics even more but he doesn't call an ambulance because he knows Alex doesn't want that. He told him after he tried to shoot himself in the head. He doesn't want an ambulance.

 

So he tries his best to fix Alex's arm and then carries him to his room. Luckily his mother and sister are away for a few days, this situation would be ten times worse with them in the house.

After checking Alex's breathing and searching for other wounds Zach goes back to the bathroom and cleans up. He removes all the blood and throws away the razorblades. Then he sees Alex's smartphone. It's unlocked and the notes are opened. There is a little text written. It's the words "it's too much I can't handle these voices anymore" over and over again.

 

Zach begins to cry again. He thought he was Alex's friend, he even likes Alex more than just a friend, but even just as a true friend he should notice when his friend is not feeling good. 

He goes back to his room and watches Alex sleep. He looks so peaceful. Zach bents over and presses a little kiss on Alex's forehead before laying down next to him and falling asleep again. He would confront Alex about all this tomorrow

 

 


	2. 'Cause Right Now Could Last Forever Just As Long As I'm With You

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alex just needs a friend. Luckily he has Zach.

The next morning Zach wakes up next to an empty space in his bed. Alex disappeared.

 

Zach started to panic again. How could Alex even stand up with that much blood loss? Something must have happened.

 

Quickly Zach stands up and runs around in his whole house, only to find Alex in the kitchen, where he makes breakfast.

 

“Alex? Oh thanks god, here you are. How do you feel?”

 

Alex turns around when he hears Zach and smiles before answering: “Good morning Zach. I'm fine. Why do you ask, what's wrong? You are so pale, did you see a ghost?”

 

“You don't remember what happened yesterday night?”

 

“No, should I remember something? Oh god, did we drink and I don't know anymore because I had too much? Please tell me I didn't do something embarrassing!”

 

Zach is confused, does Alex really not remember or does he just not want to talk about it? But they have to talk about what happened. So Zach decides to first eat breakfast and then talk with Alex.

 

After eating they go back to Zach's room Zach helping Alex to get up the stairs. Alex immediately throws himself onto the bed.

 

“I don't know why but I feel very weak. Maybe I'm getting a cold.”

 

Zach sits down next to him. “Alex, I want to tell you what happened yesterday because you seem to not remember. You don't feel weak because of a cold but because of blood loss.”

 

Alex opens his eyes at Zach's words and looks at him, confused about what he means.

 

Then, everything comes back. He had a panic attack. He cut himself. Zach found him.

 

No, no this can't be true. No. No.

 

“No.”

 

“Yes, it is true Alex, believe me. Please tell me what happened yesterday, I want to help you.”

 

Alex can't breath. He begins to fall into another panic attack. It's too much, everything's too much.

 

He destroyed their friendship just like that. Because of a stupid panic attack. Because he was too stupid to lock the bathroom door.

 

Zach sees how Alex struggles to breath and reaches out to pull him into a hug but Alex flinches and moves backwards until he falls from Zach's bed.

 

He can't stand back up because of his movement restriction that came with him putting a bullet in his head. And he wants to do it again. He doesn't deserve to live.

 

But he can't do anything than just laying there and waiting until Zach comes and picks him up.

 

After helping Alex to stand back up and convincing him that everything's okay and that he doesn't want to hurt him, Zach sits back on his bed and pulls Alex next to him.

 

“Please tell me. I really want to help you. You know that I care. You are my best friend. Seeing you like that hurts me.”

 

He wants to tell him that he loves him too but it would be too much. So he just stares at Alex.

 

Alex wants to look back but he's too scared to see disappointment in Zach's eyes. But he should look, because there's nothing than love in Zach's eyes.

 

“Alex?”

 

Alex looks up before quickly looking down at his hands again.

 

“I can't explain what happened yesterday. All I know is that I would do it again. I am sorry, I know that I am not lovable. I understand if you don't want to be friends anymore. It's okay, I wouldn't want to be friends with me either. I'll go know.”

 

Before Alex could stand up and probably disappear out of Zach's life forever Zach grabs his wrist and pulls him into a strong hug.

 

Alex, feeling save in Zach's arms for the first time in a long while, begins to break down. He cries loud and sob so hard that he can't breath. But Zach holds him through everything.

After a while of Zach just holding Alex and rubbing his back and whispering promises of never leaving, Alex calms down.

 

Zach relaxes his grip around Alex, who then looks up. His eyes red and his cheeks wet because of the tears. But to Zach he looks beautiful. Their faces are just a few inches apart.

 

Zach wants to kiss him so bad. But instead he lays down onto his bed and pulls Alex with him.

 

“Let's sleep a little bit, I'm totally axhausted and you must be too. Please promise me that you'll be still here when I wake up, okay?”

 

Alex nods.

 

Zach smiles and pulls Alex close to his chest. Being so close to Zach, Alex has no problems to fall asleep. And he has no nightmares either.

 

Alex feels save.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> please leva a kudos and a comment, they always make me super happy :)


	3. I wanna feel weightless and that should be enough

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey, I am sorry that I took me so long to write the next chapter.
> 
> I know this is short and really not the best, I just have a really bad writer's block atm.  
> But I want to continue this fanfic, please just have patience :)
> 
> anyways, please comment if you have any ideas how this could continue, they really help me.
> 
> Love y'all

 

When Zack wakes up in the afternoon, Alex is still in his arms, snuggling into his side. He has never felt happier.

 

After a minute of just staring at the sleeping beauty in his arms, Zach realizes how much of a creep he is right now, so he decides to make them both something to eat.

 

Getting out of bed without waking Alex turns out to be a difficult task, but after a little while Zach manages it.

 

He goes down into the kitchen and begins to cook some spaghetti.

 

Just when he wants to go wake up Alex because the meal is ready, Alex comes down looking really sleepy.

 

“Oh, you made food? Great, I'm straving.” Alex smiles and sits down.

 

While they eat nobody is saying anything, they just enjoy each other's presence.

 

Afer they both finished, Zach quickly washes the dishes, while Alex goes upstairs to pack his belongings, because he has to be back home this evening.

 

Zach feels really bad as he drives Alex back to his home because he doesn't want Alex to leave, he wants to stay by his side for the rest of his life. He wants to be there for Alex, so he never feels suicidal again. 

 

He wants to save Alex.

 

He feels so many strong emotions that it makes him sick.

 

“Hey, are you alright? Normally you aren't that quiet.” Alex asks him.

 

Zach turns to him and tries to smile but it looks more like a grimace. 

 

“No, I'm okay, just thinking about you. I don't want to wake up one morning and you are dead. Can you please try to call me when you feel suicidal again? I don't want you to promise anything because I know how hard that is but can you try? For me?”

 

Zach doesn't know why but he begins to cry after he finishes. And Alex cries too. 

 

“I am truly sorry that you had to see me in such a unstable moment of my life. I just think that maybe I am better off dead. Because I know how much of a burden I am to everyone. My parents have to deal with my anger issues and now I made you feel bad too.” Alex sobs after finishing with his confession. 

 

Now Zach will leave him too. He sees how destroyed he is and he will leave. 

 

He will leave. And Alex doesn't have anyone. Nobody cares.

 

Alex can't breathe.

 

Zach says his name but he sees that Alex doesn't react. He drives to the side and quickly gets out of the car, to run around it and open the car door so he can pull Alex into a bone-crushing hug.

 

“Everything is fine, Alex. It's okay. I won't leave you. I care too much. Please, breathe.”

 

Alex tries to breathe in and out like Zach is telling him but it doesn't work.

 

The dark wraps its arms around Alex's throat and he lets it pull him closer. He welcomes the relaxing dark and closes his eyes.

 

Maybe he is better off dead.

 

 

 

 


	4. pls read

Not an Update

I'm really sorry guys but i don't know how to continue this story. It was more of a small idea in my head and now I don't know what could happen next.

I am also not doing really good rn   
I know that's not an excuse 

But I'll try to continue this story as soon as I feel better.

If someone has ideas or wants to continue this story just tell me I'd make me happy if someone continued this bc I actually like this story so far.

Anyways, I hope you're all doing good and are healthy.

Ily


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